When Gifts Are Stressful for Your Gifted or 2e Kid 

Although gifts seem like they "should" be fun and inspire excitement, joy, and gratitude, gift-giving and gift-receiving are often more complex for neurodivergent folks, including many gifted and 2e kids and teens.

 

Some common sources of stress related to gift-giving and gift-receiving include:

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• Waiting for gifts can be hard - sometimes really, really or impossibly hard. Waiting may feel extra challenging if gifts are displayed, but even simply knowing a holiday is near can create anticipatory stress.

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• Some kids and teens feel very upset, surprised, and/or disappointed when they receive a gift that doesn't feel like a great fit or that wasn't what they wanted or thought they would receive.

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• Some kids and teens find it stressful to open gifts in front of others and to feel pressure to respond in a certain way.

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• Kids and teens with more direct and honest communication styles may feel stressed by pressure to say "thank you" or express gratitude about a gift they don't like.

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• Some kids or teens find it stressful or agitating to watch others open gifts that they themselves didn't also receive, even if they themselves wouldn't want the gift.

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• Some kids or teens may put pressure on themselves to find or make gifts for others that seem particularly special, just right, or like the perfect fit.

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During the holidays, I find it helpful to remember that there's no one right way to do the holidays.

There's no one right way to do gifts.​  There's no one right way to celebrate - or to proceed through December and January 1st without celebrating at all.

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I often remind myself of Nick Walker's comparison of the pathology paradigm and neurodiversity paradigm.  She wrote:

 

The pathology paradigm ultimately boils down to just two fundamental assumptions:

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There is one “right,” “normal,” or “healthy” way for human brains and human minds to be configured and to function (or one relatively narrow “normal” range into which the configuration and functioning of human brains and minds ought to fall).

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If your neurological configuration and functioning (and, as a result, your ways of thinking and behaving) diverge substantially from the dominant standard of “normal,” then there is Something Wrong With You.

 

In contrast, Nick Walker wrote:

 

Here’s how I’d articulate the fundamental principles of the neurodiversity paradigm:

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Neurodiversity – the diversity among minds – is a natural, healthy, and valuable form of human diversity.

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There is no “normal” or “right” style of human mind, any more than there is one “normal” or “right” ethnicity, gender, or culture.

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The social dynamics that manifest in regard to neurodiversity are similar to the social dynamics that manifest in regard to other forms of human diversity (e.g., diversity of race, culture, gender, or sexual orientation). These dynamics include the dynamics of social power relations – the dynamics of social inequality, privilege, and oppression – as well as the dynamics by which diversity, when embraced, acts as a source of creative potential within a group or society.

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In my program for parents of intense gifted and twice-exceptional kids and teens, I refer to this concept all the time - that there's no "normal" or "right" style of human mind. To me, that means that there is also no "normal," "right," "best," or "healthiest" version of any human activity. And yet we often feel pressure to do our family and life activities (such as holidays, meals, gifts, etc) in the "right," "best," or "healthiest" way.

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The trouble is that what others call the "best" or "healthiest" often isn't best or healthiest for our kids or families.

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For my kid and many other kids, waiting to open gifts until Christmas does not build character nor patience and it does not create more magic. Instead, waiting to open gifts until Christmas would create a lot of escalating distress, meltdowns, arguments, and stress. It would also erode our trust, because I'd be placing a seemingly arbitrary limit on my kid in a way that I don't do at other times of the year.

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For my kid and many other kids, being encouraged or forced to show pleasure about something they don't like doesn't build their social skills or help them connect with their extended family. Instead, it creates stress, a feeling of invalidation, confusion, and often more distance from those around them.

 

This holiday season, I hope you find ways to explore what types of activities, traditions, and interactions feel right, best, and healthiest for your kid and your family specifically.

 

If gifts cause stress in your home and you'd like to explore some new options, here are some ideas you might consider or discuss with your kid. This isn't an exhaustive list, so feel free to get creative or to tweak other aspects of gift-giving and receiving that you've noticed seem hard.

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• Would they like to know ahead of time what they're going to receive?

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• Would they like to choose some of their gifts or get some cash so they can buy their own gifts?

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• Would they like to shop online or at a store for their own presents?

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• Would they like to open some or all of their presents early?

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• Do they prefer it when presents are wrapped or unwrapped?

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• Do they like to open presents with other people or alone?

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• Do they like to open presents all at once or spread it out?

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• Do they want to help choose presents for others, or would they prefer not to participate in that?

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• Does your kid, teen, or young adult enjoy receiving and/or giving presents? Some teens and young adults would rather not do gift exchanges at all.

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You can also explore similar preferences and adaptations for other dynamics or activities around the holidays.

For example, family gatherings, hosting visitors, going to others' houses, family meals, or holiday outings often feel hard for intense, sensitive gifted/2e kids and teens - and they might appreciate adjusting these activities to better meet their needs.

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And don't worry if you try something new and it doesn't go as well as you hoped.

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We are on a learning journey with our kids, and often the most important thing we can do is show them that we're partnering with them and exploring together what feels right, so they know their preferences are valued, even if it's hard to figure out what feels right - or if some situations just feel inherently stressful.

 

Sending very warm wishes for some right-fit holiday moments for you and your kids or teens.