Tips to Support Gifted and 2e Kids and Teens with Big Transitions

Is your family in the midst of a big change, or do you have one on the horizon?

 

A big change could be a new school, a move, a new family member, a divorce or separation, or even a vacation.

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Big changes like that are taxing for anyone and particularly hard for parents of neurodivergent kids!

 

I thought a lot about this topic when my own family moved to California from Minnesota a couple of years ago, soon after pulling my kid out of preschool because it was such a poor fit. In this article, I share some of my top tips for your supporting your gifted or 2e kid through a big change.

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All kids are different, so feel free to take what sounds useful and leave what doesn’t. I also encourage you to adapt the ideas to your own kid’s needs, your own parenting style, and your family resources. If you want more hands-on help adapting ideas to your specific circumstances, that’s exactly what my parent coaching program is for!  If you'd like to work together, you can check it out ​here​.

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Share information over time

 

Emotionally intense kids often need processing time to take in emotionally-charged information. Instead of planning one or a few big conversations about the upcoming transition, try to offer little bits of information over time.

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You can also focus on sharing information with your kid, without putting any pressure on them to respond.

When we first told our kid that we were moving to another state, we kept it brief - a few sentences over breakfast. It was hard to hold our tongues but it worked great. It gave our kid time to think and respond. It was also helpful to hear his initial replies and reactions so we could meet him where he was at during the later conversations.

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Anticipate your kid’s concerns

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If you anticipate your kid will have certain concerns - “Where will I live?” “What about my friends?” “When will I see dad?” “What will happen with my sports team?” - it might be helpful to do some research related to these concerns before you share the big news. You could also consider addressing these topics right away when discussing the transition.

 

For example, “I know you’ll miss your friends. We’ll make sure you can FaceTime with them and we’ll be able to text. We’ll plan to come back and visit too so you can see each other.” (If that’s true / feasible.)

 

Validate a range of feelings

 

Most big transitions elicit mixed emotions.

 

It can be helpful to anticipate how your child might feel and proactively validate a range of feelings. For example, “A lot of people feel nervous and excited when they start a new school." Or, "I feel really sad about saying goodbye to our home, even though I'm looking forward to the new one." Or, "I wonder if it feels really sad that your dad and I are going to live in different houses now. You might also feel relieved that we won't be fighting as much."

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It's okay if you guess wrong - most kids will let you know! Either way, you're showing your kid that it's okay to have big feelings, have mixed feelings, and talk about feelings as they arise.

 

Explicitly invite questions and concerns

 

Some intense gifted/2e kids are hesitant to ask questions, seek advice, get clarification, or share concerns. They may be used to knowing all the answers and may not have much practice asking for help.

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In the weeks leading up to our move, I used bedtime to invite questions. “I want you to know that you can ask me anything you want about your new school, or about San Francisco, or our new apartment.” This invitation led to great questions and conversations, mostly about the new school we found for my kid.

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When would be a good time of day to invite questions or concerns with your kid? For many families, bedtime or car rides work well.

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Give them something to look forward to

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As much as you can, try to integrate something to look forward to on the other side of the transition.

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One option is to tap into your child’s interests. My kid was really into mini golf around the time of our move, so we researched mini golf options in our new city and visited two spots in our first week here.

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You can also share positive information you've learned as you prepare for the transition.

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If you think your kid’s new school will be a good fit, let them know what you think they’ll enjoy - whether it’s a different teaching style or a club for Dungeons and Dragons. My kid really enjoyed hearing about the teaching philosophy at his new school, and the chance to visit city playgrounds during the day.

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If you’re moving or separating, is there a way to help your child look forward to their new home? Could they pick out some new room decorations, or is there somewhere in the neighborhood they might love to visit or to spend $25? For my kid, we highlighted that he’s getting a bigger room, plus a neat playground nearby (he was 4 and loved playgrounds).

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Emphasize what’s the same

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Sometimes it helps to be explicit about what will be the same after a big change. You can offer these comments in conversation or make a written list. Your child might like to make the list together, or you could write it and give it to them.

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You can include concrete things, like, “We will take all of your toys with us to the new house,” or “You will still ride a bus to school with your sister.” “In our new apartment, we will all live together just like we do now.” “On vacation, either mom or dad will do bedtime every night.”

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You can also include more abstract ideas. “Mommy and Mama will still love you very, very much. That will never change.”

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Provide (or increase!) familiar comforts

 

Help your kid feel calm, safe, and regulated by incorporating or increasing familiar comforts before, during, and after the big change.

 

Depending on your kid, this could look like:

• Extra screen time - We allowed our kid to try new free iPad games that interested him or spend more time on YouTube Kids.

• Comfort foods - Stock up a new home or vacation spot with your kid’s favorite packaged snacks and treats.

• Physical comfort - Spend more time cuddling or sitting in close proximity if your child finds that comforting and regulating.

• Emotional comforts - Bring their favorite blanket, stuffed animals, or other comfort items, even when it’s not convenient (as long as it’s do-able) - we vacuum-packed some in our luggage so they took up less space!

• New books, toys, building kits, crafts, etc. - Kids feel better when they're engaged in something they enjoy. You might decide to offer more new entertainments and enjoyable activities than usual during this time.

• Your time and attention - Many intense gifted/2e kids crave their parents' undivided attention. Your attention is likely in short supply during a big transition as you manage lots of logistics and tasks. If you're able to give a few doses of attention throughout the day - really paying attention to a favorite game or something they want you to see for 5-15 minutes - this might go a long way.

 

Respect your kid’s process

 

It can take a long time to metabolize a big change. Try not to rush the process along, or worry if your kid seems to be in transition for a long time.

 

On our first car ride across San Francisco, my partner and I excitedly pointed out our favorite sights and details, but my kid grew quiet. I realized our excitement might feel like pressure to him - Isn’t this place awesome? We like it and you will too!

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It may help to notice your own feelings about the big transition so you can make space for your child to have their own feelings. It’s normal for everyone to have more intense feelings or labile moods during a change.

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Your kid’s reactions might change over time, too. My kid was remarkably even-keeled through our (pretty hectic) packing, moving day, flight, hotel stays, and a full week in our mostly-empty new apartment.  A few weeks later, he was more sensitive and emotional. This type of varied emotional reaction is normal - you may notice the same thing for yourself, with sadness or overwhelm coming at unexpected times.

 

Sometimes it’s helpful just to know that big feelings and ups and downs are normal. You can even let your kid know this, if you think that would help.

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If your kid feels upset about the change, it doesn’t mean you’re not supporting them enough. By making space and time for their feelings, you’re helping them get through a tough time.

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For all of you going through big transitions, best of luck! I’m sending good vibes your way.